Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
