hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
