Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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