I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
