Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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