smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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