Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
