census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
