he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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