he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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