Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
