he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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