Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
