tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
