my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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