if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
