The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
