whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
