There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
