the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
