k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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