So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i dont even know how to be here
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Still dying that you shit outside
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
