Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
