i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
