i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
