Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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