Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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