turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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