If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
