Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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