What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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