You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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