we're blogging at a bar
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
