Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
