you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
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