either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
