after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
