so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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