Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
