I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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