if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
