I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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