I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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