She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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