So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
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