i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
