I just saw a hot homeless man
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
