woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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