Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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