my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
